No individual prays to encounter conflict in marriage. Still, there are times when conflict arises in marriage over certain things that need to be corrected, put in place, or removed from the family. This does not mean that corrections can only be made through conflict, but it sometimes exposes how far we have strayed from God in our relationship with Him.
Conflict in marriage can be a serious argument or disagreement between the couple. It can happen in marriage at any time: during the early stage, a few years into marriage, or even several years in, conflict can still arise, irrespective of your personality, if you are not sensitive to the devil’s tricks. Conflict can occur in both Christian and non-Christian homes. The only difference is that Christian couples may handle misunderstandings differently from how non-Christian couples do.
Disagreement is not part of God’s plan for marriage, but if at all, couples find themselves in a situation where they do not see things the same way, they must not allow it to make them sin. Ephesians 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath. This means that we can’t dispute that disagreement may occur among couples, but they must not give satan a foothold in the matter; more reason why they must resolve the issue instantly.
Here are a few common causes of conflict in marriage that I would like to open your eyes to, whether you are single ladies or married women. It is paramount to know that for every disagreement in marriage, there must be a cause. No dispute erupts between couples without a reason. Conflict doesn’t just exist in marriage; it arises when couples differ in how they view, perceive, interpret, or understand things. Considering the common causes of conflict helps ladies to identify and avoid them in their marriages.
Neglect of One’s Role in Marriage: One of the subtle ways conflict arises in marriages is neglect of one’s role or switching roles. We live in the age where most women are the ones taking the responsibility their spouses are supposed to be responsible for, probably the man deliberately switched the role with them due to a lack of knowledge of the word of God. This is why I often encourage the ladies and gentlemen to explore all the scriptures on marriage before entering into marriage. It is good to read books, magazines, or journals on marriage, but it is more profitable to read the scriptures for yourself about the role God expects each person to play in marriage. 1 Peter 3:1-7 and Ephesians 5:21-33 clearly state that each spouse has a duty to the other. If the person who is supposed to submit refuses and the person who is supposed to love fails in his responsibility, then there would be conflict. Any attempt to switch your role in marriage, either by comparing or equalizing your duty to that of your spouse’s, will lead to a problem in your home.
Neglecting one another’s feelings: Ignoring your spouse’s repeated corrections can lead to a dispute in marriage. Most couples pay little or no attention to their partner’s feelings, either out of neglect or because they’re not sensitive enough to recognize that something is eating their partner up. Some years ago, the Holy Spirit opened my heart to see how disobedient I was to my husband’s instruction. I am from a family where calling people from afar is never an issue, but I am married to a man who sees it differently; he repeatedly corrected me not to call him from afar anytime I feel like talking to him. He stated that as long as it is not an emergency and I know where he is, I shouldn’t have to call him from afar. But for several years, I didn’t listen, and he didn’t stop to tell me that I should not call him from afar. One day, I stood by the stairs in our living room, and I called my husband, who was in our bedroom upstairs, but he refused to answer. Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, “If your husband were your mother, wouldn’t you have listened to her instruction not to call her from afar?” That’s when I realized that I have been doing something wrong unrepentantly. I apologized to my husband and started cautioning myself not to call him from afar, and I am much better about that now.
Financial Issues: Financial issues have been a significant cause of conflict in marriages. Many families have been separated, destroyed, or crumbled due to misunderstandings over finances and love of money by either one spouse or both. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 5:10 that whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless.” When an individual loves money more than anything else, their goal is to acquire more money than they spend, and this will definitely not go down well with an average person who believes in earning little and spending reasonably. God doesn’t want money to separate the couple; that is why He warns us not to serve money and Him at the same time. Mathew 6:24 No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.” Focusing solely on how to make money in marriage doesn’t prevent a family from having a financial crisis. God must be honored above money in the family to gain financial stability and wealth that swallows poverty. Inquiring of the Lord about how best to manage your finances will help you navigate them without stress.
Being distant from one another while still living together: Conflict arises in marriage when couples are not bonded together. Not every couple who lives together stays together in marriage. Couples can be wearing uniforms, holding hands in public, sitting beside one another in public places, and yet may be far from one another in mind and body. The havoc caused by a marriage partner’s absenteeism can easily lead to conflict. Sexual intimacy is important and must be discussed among couples and enjoyed as at when due.
Prioritizing a third party over one’s spouse: You may be shocked to learn that your children can sometimes represent the third party. Things have really gone beyond focusing on in-laws, friends, and coworkers as third parties in marriages now. Third parties mostly come from within the family nowadays. Your laptop, phone, and the games you spend most of your time on can serve as a third party, creating crises. I remember the first few years of our marriage, my husband spent most of his time on his computer doing research, writing articles, and reading. This did not go well with me at the time because I felt neglected, and it was compounded by the fact that we were new to marriage. I had several discussions with him, but he did not really see many reasons not to engage with his laptop. Not too long after that, the laptop crashed. Did I pray for the laptop to crash? I do not remember, but I know the laptop crashed, and who knows, maybe God saw the way things were going at the time and quickly intervened so the devil would not take over the family He loves so much. My husband started paying attention to the children and me. No family member intruded into our family, but gadgets did. In some homes, children have systematically separated their parents by neglecting themselves and focusing solely on the kids.
Unfaithfulness: Unfaithfulness has too many faces. It could be in the area of fidelity, money, betrayal of trust, etc. Unfaithfulness in any form can lead to conflict in marriage; when couples are not faithful to one another, problems arise.
How to handle conflict
The Fear of God: The fear of God gives you the advantage of knowing His covenant over everything, including your marriage. Psalm 25:14. His secret is with those that fear Him, so the authentic way of handling your issues in marriage lies in you fearing Him. The fear of God puts you on check during a crisis in marriage, and it also guides you against making rash decisions. There are many things the devil will be suggesting to you during your dark moment, but once you remember that you are going to be accountable to God about your marriage, you will definitely take caution on some actions you would have taken.
Self Examination: The moment you engage with argument, disagreement, and dispute in your union, that is the moment you want to inwardly check your closeness with God. There is a lot of danger in having an unresolved conflict with your spouse and still believing that you are standing right with the Lord. 2 Corinthians 13:5 urges every believer to examine ourselves to see whether we are in the faith. Every crossroad of misunderstanding in marriage requires critical analysis of one’s spiritual life and well-being, as an assumption of spiritual wellness may be dangerous.
Forgiveness: Forgiveness is one of the best ways to handle conflicts in marriage. This may be hard to do, but with God’s help, you can put it into practice. One of the graces God blesses my husband and me with is the grace to forgive one another with ease. It is never by our power but by the strength supplied to us by God each time we have cause to point out each other’s error. To handle conflict in marriage, you must not see your spouse as a separate entity; when you see him/her as someone who is part of your existence, you will not want to see that part of your life suffer.
Dealing with your plank: Let the change that will bring about peace begin with you. Most times, couples expect the change that will bring harmony to their marriages to start with their spouses. They focus solely on the speck in their spouse’s eye and expect them to remove it, or else they remove it by force, by fire, but they have never paid attention to the log in their own eye, which is worse than the speck in their spouse’s eye. Mathew 7:5.
Don’t always expect to win every argument; you are not all-knowing, so it is not all the time your idea that will take the lead. Accept it when your spouse has better ideas than you and be ready to work with him to achieve the best.
In conclusion, no marriage on earth that can not be tried by the devil, as I said earlier, but there are options on how you want your dispute handled. You can choose to silence the devil by accepting help, support, and ideas on how to handle conflict from God, or allow the devil to take over by refusing to let go of the issues that bring sadness to your heart. I pray that the wisdom to choose solutions provided by Jesus for your problem rather than that of the devil shall be granted to you by God in Jesus’ name. Amen
